one thing that i bear in mind all the time:
"you don't have control over a lot of things, but you can control yourself, and through that, things will go your way."
i have no idea where did i get that but i had it in my mind since i don't know when. and with that i never had any problem at all or considered anything to be a problem.
but this time, i am about to lose my cool. i feel like a tree being whipped and lashed from anywhere by a raging storm. and at the end of it, all i can bear in mind is, that's the way it is so i have to hold on to ground as much as i can.
things won't go our way sometimes... a quite unbearable simple fact of life.
transformation literally means going beyond your form
- Wayne Dyer
err... but i'm not going that way... yet. if you have visited my blog for at least once in your life and forgot how it looked like months ago, this is not what it looks like.
i visited karen cheng's blog and i was fascinated with the minimalism exploding in her blog. i am very attracted to minimalism. there is that astounding beauty in simpleness. i remember i wanted to design my humble makati ghetto urb space to like that of a japanese interior. but because of reasons i completely forgot, i completely forgot that goal. eh?
as i have mentioned in my pasts articles, which is mostly possessed by the sentiholic-melanchomental me, i am going to a fast-paced, gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking transformation. and recently, with all the mumbo-jumbo dimensions i am traversed to, like a drunk juvenile in stupor bathed in discolights and boogie bass rhythms, i felt a piece of myself growing in the middle of my palm.
with all the changes i have been through these past months i found a piece of me. its roots are starting to tattoo on my palm. i can't not have a firm hold of it. hence, i am letting it grow.
this transformation is not putting me beyond who i am. it is making me the who i am.
(and i thought i'd blog with less metaphors. grr!)
the confusion dropped like a bomb that failed to explode. instead it waved only ripples of dust as it landed its belly on the ground.
my first sign that i am not yet disintegrated.
now that i lived to see what this mammoth is-- that it surprised me because of it's failure to detonate. i can stand beside it and bit by bit dismantle it.
with my bare hands, i will loosen the screws, pull the metal covers, pluck and tear the wires, and to its core my fingers will mutilate its elements.
this single drop of a rain of rockets is my chance to know what it is that drops from the sky.
i will find out soon what piece of heaven this is.
after a week of hibernation am back to work. though i really don't feel that i'm back. took a one week leave. soul searching. or maybe not. because i know i've found my reasons and where my life is headed to. the thing is, i maybe am suffering with what what we all yuppies know -- quarter life crisis. though i really don't believe with the idea because living our life is up to us, whether to have a positive outlook or muddle in a lifelong disgust with whatever that is happening that you don't like. we live not to have a hard time right? right said fred.
louie told me that my senses are heightened. she said, "you cook, you make music, you write, you do this and that..." and most of the time whenever i hear her ask, "what is it that you can't do?" well, it elongates the waxy tunnel inside my ear and i get flattered. but what she said hits me straight right to the core.
if i was gifted with a variety of talents why then am i limiting myself to going around in the same circle everyday? why have i been bored to doing the same linear performance?
and yeah i work in a network's creative department but i whenever i go in the office i feel a lid pressed on top of my mojo jar.
i need a hammer.
break this jar. break this crisis. shatter all my pieces and pick em up one by one. and puzzle them up.
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