Ciggy Ciggy!

today

let me be an undying candle. let me live with this over and over. let me give light to the circumstances that made this darkness.

yesterday

i flickered to the point of a scorch.

let me begin in the midway of the middle of the story.

i was sitting in a polished recline in an airport where feelings of welcome was not welcome-- the departure area. it was a saturday afternoon. the sky cried on my behalf and doubt was its color--neither black nor white. she was asking if i'm supposed to tell her something. i told her "maybe x will be there, i am unsure". then all the people in the airport took off all of their masks and looked at me with their faces, hers. disappointed of me concealing a matter of what is what matters.

fast forward to a week after.

a saturday night communion of friends. wine and painted cards as hosts that some refuse to partake. the sermon was about as what the usual sermon is, faith. the main question that was echoed in the sanctuary was; if you think you're spouse is going somewhere and he is seeing x there but he refused to tell you because he had discarded the thought of telling you, either forgotten, ignored or hidden, would that be considerable or in would that make you feel bad? insecure? that was the tone of the question and its tail points at me.

rewind to a week before.

i was afraid to hurt her. i was scared to tell her that being here in the airport means i'll be with my past in the flesh. the defeaning roar of planes growled at my seclusion of that part of my luggage. if going there would settle everything for the last last time, maybe this luggage will be lost somewhere when i get back to this airport.

40 hours after.

so it did. buried and left at the airport below all the emotional baggage. or so i thought.

two weeks after.

if i had the power to calm crying eyes and invert inverted smiles i would have done it. but i was powerless. the blanket is a lake of tears. the pillows are sob-absorbers. black flowers of doubt and deception grew on the covers of the bed.

two weeks and some days before.

i wrote about the person that i have met when i departed from her for a while. i said, "its ugly that there's a chance that i'll fall for her. and i refuse to".

two weeks and some days after.

black flowers from the bed covers crawl up to her. she read about what i wrote. the possibility that i'll fall for x. she was as anyone would, injured by fire, like a burned loveletter. she felt cheated. i was as deceiving as a demon. i felt eternally racked. i was burning in hell. it was all my fault. i acted on that instance of an emotion. i am all to blame for deception, concealment and ignorance.

so i decided to tell her the whole truth in the hope of splashing water to the fire. "it wasn't maybe, i wasn't unsure. x will be and was there. i am sorry i lied while i was in the airport". then, the black flowers crawled back and ungrew from the bed covers. a second of what could have been tranquility. then, the devious plant weeded out of my nose while she bursted out in sobs of blood. the luggages from the airport rained on my lap and after a hundred thuds, the lights faded to black.

after a few moments

i was the undying candle, she was the endless matchsticks. we go on to illuminating us. to light this room that has faded to black.

yesterday

a big sigh blew the flame and snapped the darkness on when she asked "when was the last time you talked to her?" i said "earlier this afternoon." she asked again "and you havent told me about it?" i said "i forgot." and she asked more "where is the light? why are we in darkness? and it seems that i am out of matchsticks..." i said "i forgot". she said " i forgot is not the answer to the question." i said to myself "this time and honestly, i forgot."

today

this is all the wick i have left. and if this is the last scorch i have left, let me live with it over and over like fire ablaze. let me be an undying candle.

 Edit Post